What is a “safe psyche” …first of all, what is a “psyche”?

Most definitions of psyche point to soul or spirit. This is because the origins of the word are Greek, and do indeed translate, in English, to “soul or spirit” (well, actually life, but a detailed definition would point to a description of soul.) A more modern perspective comes our way from psychology. Here we see the definition broadened to include the totality of the human mind, which would include the conscious and the unconscious. For the purposes of this little article, we will say “psyche” translates to “the full self.”

I make this distinction here because I didn’t want to title this article “The Safe Ego” or the “Safe Body”. These are both part of the psyche, or at least are related to the psyche (is the body actually a creation of the mind? We won’t go there, just yet!) I would venture to say that the essential ingredient of a successful relationship, as romantic life partners, is a safe psyche. Needless to say, the body needs to be safe, that is probably step number one. The next important “safety” concern is emotional. Contempt is the number one killer of a relationship (assuming there is no physical violence, which should never be tolerated). Emotional abuse, if not squeezed out of a relationship and banished, will certainly accurately predict its eventual demise.

So why worry about “psyche safety?” Since the word psyche has been defined as soul or spirit the safety of the psyche can be seen as the deliberate and intentional protection and care of a partner’s soul. Needless to say, we are ultimately responsible for our own soul’s care, but why bother to be partnered with someone who is not also a team player in our soul’s well-being? This, of course, goes both ways. And what exactly is the soul? This is too deep of a question to answer in this little article. I will make an assumption that anyone reading this can define what soul means to them. You will all be accurate. The soul, in many ways, is undefinable, but it includes easy things to be aware of like self-esteem, a sense of purpose, a personal meaning in life, a sense of place in the universe, as well as seemingly mundane things such as happiness, a joy in waking up in the morning, love and care for another, feeling valuable in a relationship, and feeling that what you provide to a partner is special and unique to them. These things may not be the soul itself, but they are soul related.

An important part of the safe psyche is having a partner who, at their core, sees your “divine-self”. The visibility of this “divine-self” is of course dependent on some rather obvious basics—no physical violence, no contempt, no emotional abuse. If any of these are present, seeing deep enough into someone to get to their “divine-self” is rather difficult. Although even with the loss of these obvious “safeties” many people can see the deep soul in another and fall in love with that “truth”. These are the people that often have a difficult time leaving a destructive relationship—that mixed in with their own possible complexes about worthiness and lovability.

So, let’s assume you are past most of the major blocks keeping you from a healthy relationship, and you want to go the next step in really solidifying your intimate connection. This would be where you would put effort toward creating a very safe psyche environment.

How?

Well, again, not much room here for going into much detail. Suffice it to say creating a safe psychic environment for your partner would first be to always be at their back—always be their ally, and always empathize with their pain, even if you think they brought it on themselves. There is always time to talk through such things, and offer constructive suggestions, when that safety is well established. But never before.

Keeping a partner safe is, of course, to never betray them, never plot against them, and always put them first psychically (meaning to have your relationship at the top of the totem pole in priority, with obvious exceptions. This doesn’t mean you can’t care for your children or other family members if need be, or yourself of course, but it does mean that you are always aware of your partner’s concerns, sense of safety, and vulnerability.)

It is also important that you keep your eye on your partner’s divine self—that inner part you know you love. You do this by not allowing interests they have that may not interest you be a source of disdain for you. You make an effort to see the world from their view, no matter how opposing to your view it might be. You don’t need to agree with their view, but you must be able to see what you find good in your partner beyond the surface behavior or surface belief they may be espousing at any given moment. Of course, this may prove impossible at times or if it becomes too extremely dissonant to your own world view. If this happens, and it is rare if it does, you may have to dissolve your partnership as it will be impossible for your partner to feel psychically safe—and probably impossible for you to feel safe as well.

Be nice—that is really all this is. Save your dissonance, and desire to set the world straight as you see it, for your relationships outside of your romantic partnership. John Gottman, the eminent couple’s therapist, says to never criticize your partner, never attack their character, to always show intimacy, concern, and empathy. Yes, there are times this just simply isn’t possible—we are all human after all and are largely driven by unconscious and often ugly forces. But we can work at it, and be pleasant, loving, and provide as safe an environment as we can—each of us for each other.