This month I am going to talk a little bit about another one of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” contempt. Gottman says:

“contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self.”

He goes on to say:

“contempt as far beyond criticism, as it indicates a moral superiority over one’s partner.”

Last month I wrote about criticism. Gottman rightfully says that contempt is far beyond criticism, but I think he would agree that most criticism has a smattering of contempt blended in. Criticism, unless entirely passive, just doesn’t seem to be as convincing unless it is laced with a good dosing of contempt. So, you have to watch out for both of these when engaging in a fight, or their passive versions when you think you are having a constructive conversation.

So how does contempt show up in a relationship? Contempt takes many different forms, from a simple and seemingly innocuous roll of the eyes to a blatant blast of obscenities aimed directly at a partner—usually in the form of name calling. Of course, physical violence is a form of contempt, but I am assuming, for this article, that we are not at that point and hopefully never will be.

Contempt, in a nutshell, is anything that creates, or maintains, any sort of power differential between partners. If you will remember my article on criticism from last month. It is the same sort of intention and agenda, only a bit more overt and obvious. If you roll your eyes when your partner is expressing themselves you are essentially saying, “you stupid idiot, what you are saying right now is nonsense, and I am much more intelligent, mature, aware, informed (fill in the blank) to buy a single word of it.” Certainly, we see an attempt at a power differential when we call a partner a nasty name, “you are so below me I can call you an idiot, a pig, (or much worse, of course.)” Contempt is a sure-fire way to destroy any sort of trust, sense of safety, or respect in a relationship—if not stopped, it is the number one cause for a separation.

Gottman’s “Horsemen” usually show up when we slip into a “reactionary” mode. You have heard me describe this as the “adaptive child” or “slipping into the complex” if you have worked with me as a couple’s therapist. When we are in this “mode of operation” our prime goal is to protect ourselves from anything that could hurt us, and typically we feel the most vulnerable when we are open, loving, and caring. These modes, just by their nature, are “anti-intimate” meaning we will do anything to keep intimacy out of the picture. We push away, put up barriers and walls, and try our hardest to discredit our partner and to place them in as lowly position as we can in order to assure our dominance (thus control) and our shielding from any incoming potential harm. Contempt is a very powerful tool to use to accomplish this goal.

The antidote for contempt is to never slip into the adaptive child/complex. This is the primary work for the individual in a partnership. Keep your wits about you and when you feel “reaction” coming on, step aside, calm down, self soothe, and do not return to the conflict until you are your “mature adult” self again. Easier said than done, I know. It is easy to recognize the “adaptive child’s” presence—you all know what it feels like—anger, fear, deep sadness—reaction rather than response. When you feel this well up, there is no point in having any sort of “conversation”—it will go nowhere constructive. Remember, the adaptive child is a child. The thing it fears is not as dangerous as it senses it to be, therefore it’s reaction—to attack, hurt, to puff up—is not pragmatically warranted. Tell that child to step behind you and to allow you, the adult, to manage the situation.

Gottman instructs couples to lower their own tolerance for contemptable behavior, and just deem it unacceptable. It is also good to attempt to discuss your feelings to your partner; explain the emotion that is exploding within you, as if it is not really who you are but merely a part of you, a presence that is trying to take you over: “I feel so angry, like I am about to explode.” This at least allows the opportunity for your partner to empathize with your feelings rather than a typical defensive or even offensive attack on your contempt.